Serendipity
by Laburnum Steelfang
Summary: The nations fill all the quadrants. ALL of them. Will contain many pairings of all orientations and at least a few OCs.
1. Chapter 1

America's morning grooming ritual had become a little more difficult as of late, he reflected as he picked up the file.

The Altern-Earth Alliance was healthy and thriving, and trade between the two planets was brisk. Unfortunately for the nations, immigration and emigration were as well. Alternia wasn't a marvellous environment for humans, but the Alternian Empire held several planets with no or few inhabitants which were safe for human life, and a few thrill-seekers and scientists had set up bases on the troll planet.

Human immigration was one thing. Nations, in human form, were an intermingling of what their people assumed they would look like. With increased immigration, maybe his tan had deepened and the shape of his features had changed ever so slightly, but basically he looked the same. Unfortunately, he hadn't quite got the hang of integrating his troll population. Trolls and humans cannot interbreed, so he couldn't pass the changes off as mixed ancestry.

The upshot of all this was, he was now filing down his horn stubs in front of the mirror.

He reflected as he did that at least he was better off than some of the others. Now China's jaw hinged in a subtly disturbing manner, almost insectile, and when it opened the teeth it exposed were like those of a shark. Japan was barely able to conceal his fin-like ears under his hair, Seychelles' favourite sundress clearly showed the outline of gills on her ribs, and America had seen Canada cut his hand and stain the carpet indigo. At least America could wear a hat.

He fluffed up his hair and tried on a fedora. Brought back memories of the 1920s. Ah, those were some good times. And it went decently with his suit. Hopefully none of the mortals at the UN building would ask why he was wearing it indoors.


	2. Chapter 2

Seychelles and England, conversing on the steps of the UN building, turned and smiled as America yelled to them from across the street. "Hey, guys! Great to see you!"

"Hi!" Seychelles hopped off the wall where she had perched and ran to hug him. "Hey, stepdad!"

"Aheheh, please don't call me that," he said, returning the hug awkwardly. "The global family's insane enough already."

"Fine, Alfred, then," she said, remembering their public location. "Oh, I found this for you! You like blue, right?" She plucked a plush toy from her briefcase.

"Yes! Squiddles dolls! I love these things!" America squealed, hugging the tiny stuffed cephalopod. "Thanks so much, Sey!" She nodded, and moved aside so England could greet him.

"Missed me?" England said, throwing his arms around America and pressing his face to the taller man's breastbone.

"Sure did, old man." America lifted England off the ground and kissed his hair, grinning at England's spluttered protest. Seychelles giggled as the two pulled apart just enough to reposition their heads and let their lips meet.

"Okay, we should stop giving your public a show," England said, pulling away to pick up his briefcase. "We have a special guest at the meeting and we can't be late."

"Sp- oh, yeah, her." America winced. He knew their special guest, and she was unnerving.

* * *

The conference room fell silent as the lights shut off, and the tall figure strode into view. The projector light gleamed off her grey skin and the spear-sharp points of her enormous horns. Her fuschia eyes glowed, and her black lips parted to reveal blade-like teeth.

This was the Empire of Alternia. The nations of Earth refused to cower before her, but they certainly treated her with a healthy respect.

"Greetings, nations of Earth," she began, her voice as rasping as the buzzing of a hornet's nest. "All hail Her Imperious Condescension."

"All hail," the nations chorused half-heartedly.

The presentation began, surprisingly boring to say it was coming from such a warlike being as Alternia, but then that was the point of the Alliance; peace between Earth and Alternia. Alternia had discovered the hard way that Earthlings and their allies could hold their own against her, and considered a peace treaty instead of wholesale slaughter. The result had benefited both sides far more than simply mowing each other down, but was still very uneasy.

America did his best to pay attention. Alternia held less contempt for him and Russia than for most of the others, and thanks to living with Tony he was the de facto alien correspondent. It wouldn't do to look any more stupid than usual in front of her.

The discussion went rapidly from food production on uninhabited planets to better spaceship engine designs to nuclear weapon accumulation, and everyone was feeling just about ready to go to lunch, when Alternia rapped her pointer sharply on the projector and opened a new slide, headed "QUADRANTS". It depicted the traditional Alternian quadrant grid, and nothing else. Everyone stared in confusion.

"Now, as you all presumably know, the three-sweep anniversary of the Altern-Earth Alliance is coming up," Alternia began, smiling like a chainsaw.

"Wait, that was like a week ago!" Poland protested.

"No, that was the six-_year_ anniversary. The three-_sweep_ anniversary is in six months," Alternia said, eyes glittering ominously at him. Poland hid under the table. "Well, five months and three weeks. And, as I hope you know, the Alliance treaty will be renewed on that day. _If."_

There was a worried silence. America broke it. "If what?"

"Well," Alternia said, her smile broadening. "It seems Her Imperious Condescension is still a little uneasy about human ... social structures. It's not a problem when it comes to your mortal population, but wouldn't you know it, she thinks that your interactions are unstable! I can't imagine where she got that idea, other than, you know, millenia of warfare with _no overall winner,_ you giant wusses."

"Is there a point to this or do you just want to insult us?" Germany demanded.

"I'm coming to that. Her Imperious Condescension is of the opinion that, to function long-term as a cohesive whole and thus to be a worthy ally to the Alternian Empire, the nations of Earth must form stronger ties to each other. We've observed that you don't follow the quadrant system, and we feel that it would be to your benefit to test it."

"What?" America spluttered. "You want us to use your stupid grid thing and hook up? Is this really important enough to-"

"Did I mention that by 'it would be to your benefit' I meant 'a condition of renewing the Alliance'?"

Stunned silence fell again. The chainsaw smile glowed in the semi-darkness.

The Alliance was the only thing protecting Earth from potential attack from outside. Troll technology had improved life on Earth immeasurably. At best the end of the Alliance would mean the end of all that, and going by the Condesce's usual behaviour, she likely wouldn't be satisfied with simply leaving.

"So, let me see if I have this straight," England said, voice dull with terror. "As a condition for not potentially wiping out the entire population of this planet, you want to, as they say on Japan's fanfic sites, 'ship' us."

"Oh, no. Choosing your ships is entirely up to you," Alternia explained. "All you each have to do is pick a matesprit, a moirail, a kismesis, and a pair to auspisticise for. It's not hard, everyone does it."

"We haven't had centuries to get used to this!" Switzerland protested. "It's hard enough work keeping up one relationship!"

"Tough. The Condesce has spoken. You have six months." Alternia spun on her heel and headed out of the room, pausing in the doorway to throw back one last terrifying smile. "Have fun."


	3. Chapter 3

As the alien empire left, the room exploded into panicked conversation.

"How the hell are we supposed to do this? Human nations just don't work that way!" England said, clutching his hair.

"Aw, hon, c'mon, we can do this," America said, throwing an arm round England's shoulders. "It's not like we're plucking relationships from thin air, we just need to, uh, re-label some and we'll be halfway there! I mean ..." He took England's hand and let their index fingers and thumbs form the shape of a heart. "Matesprits, yeah?"

England smiled, despite his shaken mood. "Well, that's one down. Out of what? About two hundred nations on the planet and we have to fill every quadrant. Only seven hundred and ninety-nine to go!"

"How are we supposed to find only_ one_ person who fits in each quadrant?" France protested.

"It's not like we all have to stay in them permanently!" Switzerland pointed out. "Just find someone you can cope with till the treaty passes, then we can drop them or shift them around if we want. Trust me - I'm in finance, I'm good at loopholes."

Hungary raised her hand. "We'll be willing to lend the use of our shipping chart!" she declared happily. She stood up, backed away from the table, and held out her hands. There was a clicking sound, and a huge roll of paper abruptly materialised in her grip. "God, I love this Fetch Modus thing."

Japan blushed, but nodded. "So far we've only done human romance. I don't know how much use it'll be, but it's better than nothing and it might give us a start on the redrom. We'll need paper, scissors, pins, and grey, black, and pink marker pens."

"Okay!" Germany stood up and clapped his hands, businesslike and brisk. "The sooner we get this started, the sooner it'll be done."

Equipment was assembled rapidly, and Hungary pinned her chart up over the whiteboard. It was the size of a bedsheet, and a picture of each nation was pinned on in a complex pattern, interlinked with red arrows. Several of the pictures looked unnervingly as if they had been taken when the subjects were unaware.

"Hey!" Romania pointed angrily at the photo of him, which showed him hiding behind the conference room door and picking his nose. "When the hell did you take that one?"

"I have hidden cameras!" Hungary said proudly.

"And why the hell didn't you make any ships for me?" Romania continued.

"Well, now I know who's first on my kismesis shortlist, mister grumpy!"

Germany cleared his throat and tapped his papers. "Ahem. Could we all settle down and concentrate, please? Okay, Japan, America, you both have strong ties with Alternia and significant troll populations, can you explain the quadrant system for those not familiar?"

"Okay, here goes," America said, joining Japan at the front of the room. "Um, okay, troll romance is divided into four quadrants," he explained, pinning a fresh A4 notebook sheet over the shipping chart and using a black marker to draw a rough grid. "It's divided into con- ... uh, help me out here."

"Concupiscent!" England called.

"Concupiscent, thanks, hon - that's the ones which involve, um, reproducing." America blushed violently. "And conciliatory, which don't. Well, I guess they could with human biology involved, but for trolls they don't." He laboriously marked the columns of the grid with the appropriate words, Japan helping him with the spelling. "And the other division is by whether it's based on good or bad feelings, though trolls' idea of good and bad is a bit weird." He labelled the rows with "PITY" and "HATE". "See?"

"Not really," Russia objected.

"Well, I hope it'll become clearer in a minute. Okay, matespritship is pretty much the same as what humans would recognise as romantic, right, Japan?"

"Yes, that is correct, though trolls prefer to call it a form of pity rather than love, as they see the latter as weakness," said Japan, uncapping the red marker and doodling a heart in the top left corner of the chart. "It's symbolised by the heart shape and the colour red, and is also known as the 'flushed' quadrant."

"Hehehe, you said flush," America snickered.

Japan jabbed him in the ribs and continued, taking the black marker. "In contrast, the caliginous quadrant, shown by the black spade-" he drew the shape in question beneath the heart, "-is where one would find one's kismesis. The best description would be an extremely potent rivalry, mingled with sexual attraction. It's often referred to as hate, though that's not entirely accurate by human standards. The point is to feed the rivalry, not to overpower or kill the other."

Everyone pointedly looked at England and France, who glared back.

America took the pink marker and scrawled a diamond. "Now moirallegiance - pale - is a bit trickier. On the surface it looks kind of like just being really good BFFs, but that's not all of it. It's about pacifying any dangerous urges. Humans don't have so much of that problem, but I guess we might. We are naturally kind of ... well, even if we're trying to be peaceful we can't break the habit in only a decade or so without help. Moirails balance each other's worst urges and encourage the best, and if one partner is likely to be violent they'll pick a calmer moirail."

Japan glanced at America from beneath his eyelashes, but America didn't see it.

"And finally - and most damn complicated - is auspisticism, or the ashen quadrant," America grumbled, handing over the grey marker to Japan. "Could you do it? I can't draw clubs. Anyway, this one's a three-way-"

Prussia, Spain, and France whooped gleefully, and China threw a pen at them.

"There's no sex involved," Japan informed them, and they groaned in mock disappointment. "The auspistice-" he tapped the top lobe of the club shape, "-is a mediator between two rivals, to prevent full-blown kismesissitude if they already have kismeses of their own. A balance, if you will. Okay, does everyone follow?"

Everyone nodded or murmured or shrugged.

"Well, I've already got my awesome moirails here!" Prussia said, throwing his arms around France and Spain. "Have fun filling your own quadrants, suckers."

"Uh, it doesn't work that way," Japan said. "We did say moirails were supposed to balance each other's problematic urges. You three only make each other worse."

"I have six missing pairs of underwear which will testify to that!" said Austria with a scowl.

"Well, damn." Prussia sagged. "And we like each other too much to be austi-whatsit."

"Yeah, let's discuss _how_ this is going to work before we start on with who," Spain said, hugging Prussia back.

"A very sensible suggestion." Germany stood up. "Okay, to make this work, we'll have to make some rules. First off, this black quadrant thing cannot be allowed to affect your political relationships negatively. I really mean this, everyone. Lives could be at stake if you do, and petty soap opera shenanigans are not worth that. Second, don't let them affect your other personal interactions either. The point of this exercise isn't to cause worldwide feuds. Well, knowing Alternia it could be. But if it is, we're not going to let it, are we?"

A chorus of cheers arose.

"And finally ..." Germany cleared his throat. "It would probably be a good idea not to tell our bosses. A lot of them still don't really understand trolls, and besides, if we fail I'd rather be spared the embarrassment on top of everything else."


	4. Chapter 4

"Okay!" Hungary said, skipping up to the front of the room. "America, why don't you let an expert handle this now?" America gladly conceded the floor, and Hungary picked up the pointer. "Well, for starters we need to list the ones we all know are official already. England and America - yes, thank you America, we don't need the victory dance right now - Germany and Italy, and Sweden and Finland. So we don't need to find matesprits for them." As she spoke, Japan wrote the names down.

"Nor me or my brother!" Belarus said, eyes aglitter in Russia's direction. He shuffled away, ending up pressed against China's side. China tried to shuffle away from him in turn, but realised South Korea was on his other side, and stayed put, scowling.

"Uh, we'll certainly take that into account," Hungary said, glancing at the single-direction red arrow joining Belarus' and Russia's photos. "Okay, we have a bunch of possible ones as well, so if anyone has comments, tell us and we'll check them off. If anyone's been waiting to reveal a relationship, now's the time."

Japan looked at his own picture, which was uncomfortably cornered between two red arrows. "Uh, Greece, Turkey, I'd appreciate being able to speak with both of you later on. Privately."

Hungary clapped her hands. "Okay, I think it's time to go to lunch. First I'm going to drop in on the micronations' meeting and persuade them to draw some new arrows for the chart. We'll need a lot and we'll all be busy."

"Good idea, might as well get some use out of the little upstarts," England said, nodding. "Uh, I request that you don't tell them exactly what's going on. No need to frighten them."

"Oh, you just don't want to explain what 'concupiscent' means," France said, smirking.

"Silence, frog."

Japan looked at the chart and muttered "Okay, we know where the first black arrow's going ..."

"It's not blackrom!" England snapped. "I just think he's annoying!"

France snickered. "Aw, how cute. Denial."

England launched himself at France and started making an enthusiastic attempt to choke him. Germany helped America pull them apart, shaking his head and saying "Honestly, get a room." England spluttered indignantly and sank back into his seat, hiding his face.

"Okay, everyone's getting hungry, we should take a break. In fact, I think this is enough of an official meeting for today. Potential doom is a bit tiring. Tomorrow we'll regroup here and figure out what else to do. Any questions?" Hungary thrust her pointer imperiously at a waving hand. "Yes?"

"Uh, not that I'm complaining, but you don't have my picture on the chart," Canada said. "Why?"

Hungary squinted at him. "Who are you again?"

* * *

"Do I have to come to lunch with Turkey?" Greece protested.

"What makes you think I want to go to lunch with you, jerk?" Turkey snapped, jabbing him in the ribs.

"Fine, how about you and you each coming to lunch with _me?"_ Japan sighed. This was deemed acceptable, especially after Japan paid for coffee, and they found a quiet corner of the cafeteria to talk in reasonable privacy. They ate in silence, Greece and Turkey glaring at each other occasionally and Japan fiddling nervously with his chopsticks.

"So you wanted to talk, right?" Greece finally asked him. "Well, we should talk then."

Japan swallowed and pushed his bento box to the side. "My apologies. Talking plainly is quite difficult for me, but this is not a situation in which anyone can be expected to read the atmosphere."

"Figures, it takes the threat of annihilation by space monsters to get all three of us into a normal conversation," Turkey said, rolling his eyes.

"And neither of you are going to like what I say," Japan warned. After this elicited only curiosity, he sighed and continued. "Well. I might have agreed to pursue a, shall we say, red relationship with either one of you, but I'm really tired of being the focus of your arguments. I know that's not your intention, but you're making me feel like an accessory to your rivalry rather than a person. If I choose either one of you over the other, I'll only make it worse, and you'll end up making it all about each other instead."

Greece and Turkey both looked surprised and hurt.

"You have a point," Greece conceded sadly. "I'm sorry. But, well, we have a history and you're kind of a new thing in that."

"Yeah, much as I hate to agree with feta-bre- I mean Greece, we haven't really been fair to you."

"I appreciate your apology, but after this morning I'm now prepared with a solution." Japan took a deep breath and looked at the two over his clasped hands. "I'd like to offer to auspisticise for you."

Turkey dropped his coffee. _"What?"_

"Well. I do like both of you, and I don't want to break off all contact with either of you. It's pretty much what was happening anyway. I step in and prevent you from killing each other, your mutual respect for me hopefully leads to you trying to get along better, and I don't have to choose between you. It is a romantic quadrant, just not quite a traditional one by human standards." Japan looked down at the table, awkwardly. "Please, it's important to me that you try to put up with each other."

"But what the hell do we have to agree on?"

"Well, you could start with your obvious mutual annoyance at the fact that I just simultaneously turned both of you down for matespritship iand/i cockblocked your potential kismesissitude." Greece and Turkey blinked. Japan turned pink and covered his face, muttering "Forgive my bluntness."

Turkey snickered. "Hey, I think this is the first time I've heard you cuss."

"See, you're as bad an influence on me as you are on each other!"

Greece smiled slightly, and said "Okay. If this is the only way you think this can work, I'll try it if he does."

"I'm not backing down if he's going through with it."

"Then we're in agreement." Japan offered a handshake to each man, and after some hesitant glaring they also took each other's hands, completing the circle. For once in his life, Japan actually smiled, and Turkey and Greece both silently reflected that it was worth any amount of hassle to see him happy.


End file.
